Eat the Dirt

Below are the text files of my contributions to my local newspaper, for which I reviewed music albums and concerts in the town. While I enjoyed writing for the paper, I sometimes found that I had to dilute my writing and speak in broader tones, as I wasn’t writing for a specialist audience. You may notice a difference between these reviews and other articles on this site.

AC/DC – ‘Black Ice’
(179 words)
The most common stocking-filler for any rock fan this Christmas was undoubtedly ‘Black Ice’, the fifteenth studio album by Scoto-Australian legends AC/DC. With a completely sold-out European tour on the horizon (every ticket for a date at Glasgow’s Hampden Park being gone within an hour) and countless features in magazines, anticipation of the band’s comeback is bordering on hysterical. However, this is before one takes into account the actual quality of the album – is it worthy of such attention? The answer is yes, and no. Tracks such as lead single ‘Rock ‘N’ Roll Train’ and funk rock number ‘Money Made’ are destined to be immortalised in AC/DC’s catalogue of hits, but much of the album is typical AC/DC cannon fodder which can be a chore to listen to in longer listening sessions. It is, however, just that – typical AC/DC. Thirteen-minute epic ballads cannnot be expected from this band at this stage in their career, and that the Aussies are still capable of producing their trademark fiery sound after thirty-five years is reason enough to celebrate their return.

Alestorm – ‘Captain Morgan’s Revenge’
(195 words)
Scotland has been well-noted for its continuous musical exports, from the Bay City Rollers to Franz Ferdinand, but our latest offering comes in the form of something a little bit different. Hailing from Perth are Alestorm, a four-piece who play a combination of Scottish folk melodies and heavy metal, conveniently dubbed Scottish Pirate Metal. The ten tracks on this debut album (available now) cover a range of themes all associated with the pirate life – mainly treasure – through an epic, grandiose sound that one wouldn’t think could possibly be made by four young Scotsmen. The level of musicianship is stunning, the instrumental duels between guitarist Gavin Harper and keyboard player Christopher Bowes being particularly impressive, not to mention the rich grooves present courtesy of bassist Dani Evans and thundering drumwork of sessionist Migo Wagner. It’s certainly something different, and love it, hate it or laugh at it, it’s certainly entertaining and a breath of fresh air from the recent wave of indie bands coming from the country. Tours with established acts and slots on many international festivals should ensure Alestorm keep Scotland on the map in terms of musical produce for the foreseeable future.

Gallows – ‘Staring At The Rude Bois’
(119 words)
In a world of young bands readily willing to bend over backwards for greedy record label executives, as well as popular over-indulgent musical groups taking themselves far too seriously, the soul purpose of music is easily overlooked: entertainment. This is not the case with fast-rising stars Gallows, an uncompromising punk rock quintet from Hemel Hempstead. Originally released in 1980 by The Ruts, this cover sees the traditional frenzied guitar riffs and pounding drums of punk meet the spit of singer Frank Carter, who could give John Lydon a run for his money. The band’s evident passion, sing-along hooks and guest appearance from London rap artist Lethal Bizzle will ensure the single fares well upon its release on November 19th.

Guns N’ Roses – ‘Chinese Democracy’
(218 words)
Fifteen years. It took fifteen years, but it finally happened. Guns N’ Roses’ ‘Chinese Democracy’, the self-proclaimed ‘most anticipated album ever’, hit the shelves at the end of last year. Lead singer Axl Rose – the only remaining original member – had faced criticism for quite some time due to the inexplicable amount of time it took for him to make the record, emphasized by the fact his ex-bandmates (who include bassist Duff McKagan and iconic top hat-sporting guitarist Slash) had made their own solo efforts and two entire full-length releases with their new group Velvet Revolver during the period. Sadly, it cannot be said that it was definitely worth the wait. While the album inarguably has its moments, the groove metal stomp of ‘Shackler’s Revenge’ being a particular highlight, the album all too frequently plods along, the inevitably over-produced tracks often sounding too diluted to hold attention. The whole thing is helplessly overshadowed by the fact it took from 1993 till now to make, while countless albums by Guns N’ Roses’ peers have earned more admiration and appreciation since then. Whether the album will stand the test of time and rekindle fans’ interest, or be the final nail in the coffin of a band that many have already given up on, is for the future to tell.

Iron Maiden – ‘Somewhere Back In Time’
(158 words)
Few bands can stay together for over thirty years without ever stopping, but even fewer can do so while remaining an inspiration to countless others for the whole of their professional career. One such band are British rock legends Iron Maiden, and this new release (available now) highlights the best material from their ‘golden era’ of 1980-1989. From the spine-tingling opening of Churchill’s speech and ‘Aces High’, the album is a tour de force of the songs that defined the band’s career, including live anthem ‘Run To The Hills’ and the seminal ‘The Number Of The Beast’, as well as live renditions of more obscure tracks such as ‘Phantom Of The Opera’ and ‘Wrathchild’. With rumours of the band’s metaphorical train slowly coming to a halt, this collection is a fitting tribute to arguably the world’s best heavy metal band, and will serve as a reminder of their timeless contribution to music for a long time to come.

Mötley Crüe – Saints Of Los Angeles
(206 words)
Fame is said to have its downsides, and there are few bands whose careers support this idea as much as those of the four individuals who make up Mötley Crüe. Their 27-year career has seen Vince Neil, Mick Mars, Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee endure long-term addiction, prison sentences, troubled relationships with family and friends, and even death. Although the fearsome four are arguably known more for their substance abuse than their musical substance, they have overcome the odds and unleashed ‘Saints Of Los Angeles’ – their ninth studio album – upon the world. Reverting back to the melodic, accessible sound of their classic ‘Dr. Feelgood’ album but incorporating a more dangerous heavy metal edge, the band recall stories of their rise and fall through aptly named tracks such as ‘Chicks = Trouble’, ‘The Animal In Me’ and ‘Face Down In The Dirt’, all of which feature instantly memorable hooks and the Crüe’s trademark sassy lyrics. Glam metal is often – and probably always will be – accused of superficiality and smirked at for its attempted audacity, but there is no denying that here, Mötley Crüe have produced a heartfelt album with more integrity than many current popular bands half their age could ever hope to.

The Surrogate Pink Floyd Show
Clydebank Town Hall, December 2007
(224 words)
One could be forgiven for thinking that Clydebank had been paid a visit by rock legends Pink Floyd after witnessing the performance in the town hall on the first of the month. In actual fact it was a Glasgow-based tribute act who go by the name of The Surrogate Pink Floyd Show, and who stop at nothing to recreate the legendary live spectacle of their heroes. Strobe lights flash and dry ice fills the stage as the band power through Floyd classics such as ‘Money’, ‘Wish You Were Here’, ‘Shine On You Crazy Diamond’ (dedicated to the late Syd Barrett) and of course, ‘Another Brick In The Wall’. Lead singer Jer emulates David Gilmour’s vocals extremely well, while his bandmates prove themselves to be exceptional musicians, in particular guitarist Joe who flawlessly performs the guitar pieces of Gimour and Waters note-for-note. Each song is met with tremendous applause from the relatively small audience, which the band feed off of; ‘Are all Clydebank people this nice?’ they ask, before launching into songs from Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ album, also suggesting that everyone buys two copies of the Post when they are featured. The future of the real Pink Floyd is uncertain at the moment, but while tributes as authentic as The Surrogate Pink Floyd Show are around, little is left to be desired.

Some things in the world just do not mix well together: chicken and ice cream; fire and petrol; The X Factor and recording contracts. One would also imagine that the ingredients of pop, goth, indie, glam, grunge and metal music would not produce a very appetising metaphorical cake. That is, however, until one samples Nottingham’s Patchwork Grace from the buffet of new artists emerging on the scene. Blending the aforementioned styles and more, the band delivered their fresh, soulful debut ‘Milk Teeth’ in 2007. Tori Trash’s vocals range from cutesy and apologetic on the pop ditty ‘Zebra’ (a cheerful ode to teenage dottiness) to raw and unsettling on the haunting ‘Nancy’ (lamenting the death of Nancy Spungen), while the guitar and drum work of Carl Crip, Joey Strange and Danny Gunn flow from minimalist beats to crushing walls of distorted chaos. The four members of the group – with a collective age of just 83 – have created a sound that is entirely their own (like many new bands fail to do at the moment), even putting their own twist on a cover of The Cure classic ‘The Lovecats’.

As the rain fell, the guys – and gal – took some time to chat about being at the forefront of the UK’s underground music world.

Hello Patchwork Grace. How is life on tour?
Tori [Trash, vocals]: Awesome!
Crip [guitar]: It’s been brilliant, yeah.
Joey [Strange, bass]: Better than the weather.

It’s summer in Scotland, what did you expect? What’s it like touring with Acey Slade again?
Tori: It’s really nice to catch up with him and see him again. We toured with [Acey's previous band] Trashlight Vision about two years ago. We’ve kept in touch with him on-and-off, and then he asked if we wanted to do this tour. We were really excited about it.
Crip: Also, it’s awesome to tour with such a friendly band. They’re always talking to us, making sure we’re alright. It makes everything a lot nicer.

How was your show tonight?
Crip: I really enjoyed it. I think it was the best gig that we’ve ever had in Glasgow.
Tori: It’s weird, but when you’re on tour, it takes a couple of days to get into it; everyone’s really tired, everyone’s still getting to know each other. I think tonight was the breaking point, and hopefully it’ll just get better and better from here.

You guys are really starting to make a name for yourselves in the British underground scene. How has it been gaining such popularity?
Crip: Up-and down over time, actually. It’s been quite bizarre; when we started out, we were playing to no one, then all of a sudden there were one hundred people, then there were fifty, then there were two hundred, then there were seventy… it’s been all over the place!

Was the popularity expected?
Tori: No, not really. I mean, we just play what we like, and if people like it too, that’s awesome. I don’t know how popular we are, to be honest, but I’ve enjoyed it so far.

Was it hoped for?
Crip: It was more of a hobby when we started. We were shit, but we’ve got gradually better. We’re not shit now, we’re just awful. In ten years we might hit the ‘okay’ mark, so in twenty years, we might be pretty good!

Do you still feel like a local band who have been given a support slot, or do you feel like an established band?
Tori: I feel like we’re an established band, one that have been lucky enough to be given a support slot with another established band that we’re really into.
Crip: It’s good that people have been coming to see us as well as Acey. A lot of the fans have seen us play together before, so it’s cool to catch up. It’s like one big happy family.

Your MySpace page has been updated with some new songs. Does this mean a new album is in the works?
Joey: Not at the moment. We’d love to do one, but we’ve got no one behind it.
Tori: We have a couple of indie labels looking into us. Hopefully one of them will pick us up. We’re hoping to release a single or something later in the year. We worked with Jon Astley, who’s worked with Tori Amos, Kate Bush and The Who, to name a few. He mastered our new tracks. We were really excited to be working with him, and we’re very happy with how the recordings turned out. We’ve not had many gigs this year, so we’ve been concentrating on writing new material, and trying out different things to see which direction we want to go in.

Your music has a very eclectic style, from dance-able pop to dark grunge. Are you interested in experimenting with any other styles in the future?
Tori: We all have very different influences, which I think helps us make the kind of music that we do. We don’t want to be put into a niche, so to speak.
Crip: We don’t really plan anything, we just come up with stuff. It’s just dark and dirty pop.

What’s next for you after this tour?
All: Sleeping!
Tori: As I said, we’ll hopefully sign to a new label and get a single out. We might also do another tour, if we can get decent support for it.

Tell us about your music videos.
Tori: The video for ‘Soap’ was on television, and it’s awful. I fucking hate that video.

It reminds me of the Robinsons juice advert, where the juice dances around in the water.
Tori: But we’re not selling juice! I really, really hate that video.
Danny [Gunn, drums]: We should get a sponsorship from Robinsons!
Tori: I love juice.

And what about the video for your cover version of The Cure’s ‘The Lovecats’?
Crip: It featured cats being shoved in bass drums!

Have P.E.T.A. been in touch about that?
Tori: No, the cat loved it!
Joey: It was the director’s cat. His name was Chunk.
Danny: We love cats more than people. For the record, we don’t condone animal cruelty. Unless it’s towards Crip.

Have you had any feedback about the single from Robert Smith [The Cure frontman] or his band?
Tori: Apparently he likes it, which is good. We had quite a lot of feedback from other people about it too, a lot of people liked it, but a lot of people hated it too. I’m glad about that though, I’d rather people had extreme emotions towards our music, be it love or hate, rather than thinking we ‘weren’t bad’.

Are you happy with your level of success, or do you plan world domination?
Tori: We’re forever aiming higher.
Crip: Maybe not world domination, but as long as we can afford to eat.
Joey: We’re not bothered about Africa.
Crip: No, I’d love to play Egypt. We could do a gig on the Sphinx!

And before we go watch Acey Slade, do you have any funny tales from the road?
Danny: Nah…
Joey: We’ve spent way too much time in the van, sleeping…

How boring.
Danny: Hey, it’s only like, the third day!

The poster on the wall inside the Glasgow Auditorium on this rainy November evening reads ‘They keep killing him… and he keeps coming back!’. Which is very true; Alice Cooper has been performing for over four decades now (!), being – amongst other gruesome acts – hung, electrocuted, maimed, decapitated and strangled in his legendary live show, but is still going strongly, shocking and grossing-out adults and bores everywhere he goes. Even ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett called him ‘obscene’. What’s that? Oh, yeah, that is the same Mr. Blunkett who got caught shagging his married secretary and breaking ministerial laws for personal gain. But I digress.

First up are Man Raze, who can count Def Leppard’s Phil Collen and The Sex Pistols’ Paul Cook in their ranks. They’ve also got Simon Laffy from Girl on bass (Collen’s pre-Lep band). They fare well tonight on their first Scottish show, with a nice hard rock sound and covers of The Stooges’ ‘Search And Destroy’ and The Jam’s ‘That’s Enterainment’. One very satisfied punter in the front row gives them a standing ovation after every song. Not the greatest of bands, but an enjoyable little act and a nice wee side project for the members nonetheless.

Then, off go the school bells, down falls the curtain, and there’s The Master himself, pointing his cane wildly during the stomp of opener ‘School’s Out’. Some oddly shaped… shapes hang from the ceiling, and it’s only after a close look you see that they’re letters spelling out ‘aLiCe’. But there’s enough going on below them to distract you from their garish sparkle – it’s only five songs in and Alice’s head is stuck in a guillotine, before a blade drops and cuts it clean off. He’s a nightmare, you just can’t take your eyes off him for a second without him doing something like this. Seconds later he appears from behind the morbid contraption, lifts his own head out of the basket and laments his actions in ‘Go To Hell’ (’for gambling and drinking alcohol constantly/for making us doubt our parents’ authority/for choosing to be a living obscenity/I have gone to Hell’).

‘Theatre Of Death’ is certainly an apt name for this show; after this spectacle, Alice watches dancer Tiffany Lowe’s shadow do a striptease from behind a screen, but then he decides to strangle her to death with a pair of tights instead. He’s not such a bad guy though; he then affectionally sits her corpse on his knee and serenades it with ‘Only Women Bleed’, before being led to the gallows, where he sings ‘I Never Cry’ – the last line of which is replaced by the sound of his neck breaking as he’s hung. Other deaths this evening include being injected with an oversized needle during rock classic ‘Poison’ and being put in an iron maiden while bassist Chuck Garric leads the band for a soaring rendition of ‘I Love The Dead’.

Whilst on the subject, one must not forget his backing group. While not as notable or tight as some of his previous line-ups (the last one featuring Kiss’ Eric Singer), they carry the music of the show in a relaxed fashion while Mr. Cooper indulges in all sorts of carnage around them.

After ‘Under My Wheels’ and another run through of ‘School’s Out’ (he only played half of it at the start, strangely), it’s time for him to go spread some blood and guts over the next city, but not before he’s threw some huge balloons over the audience and high-fived the first few rows. ‘Welcome to my nightmare/I think you’re gonna like it’, he sneers in that old favourite. Judging by the roaring of fans – young and old – here tonight, everyone really, really, really did.

For two decades now, Newcastle-upon-Tyne’s The Wildhearts have been making glorious hard rock songs laced with feel-good vibes, punk spirit and choruses that burrow into your brain like a denim-clad tick. Having toured the world with legends including AC/DC and Motörhead, but never achieving the same level of popularity (bar a few Top Of The Pops performances), they have become a cult favourite in the UK rock scene and further afield.

I caught up with guitarist and founding member CJ at the Glasgow leg of their UK tour to discuss the new album, touring the world, and spray-on tattoo booths…

How’s the tour going?
CJ (guitar): It’s going really, really well. It’s all a bit new and refreshing for us ‘cause we’re basically playing the whole new album every night, then coming back on and doing some old songs. The show’s in two halves, and it feels like we’re supporting ourselves! And more and more people are getting into the album and singing the words back to us. We haven’t had a bad show yet.

You’ve just released your new album, ‘Chutzpah!’, and it’s been getting very positive reviews. How was the writing and recording process for that?
CJ: We all went into a studio in York at the end of last year to start writing the album, and then went to Finland to make a demo of it. Our manager, Virpi, recommended that we work with this Danish producer, Jacob Hansen, who had worked with a band called Volbeat. She played them to us and we thought they sounded really good, so we went over to Denmark to work with Jacob for a month. We were having some vocal problems with the songs in standard tuning, so he suggested we tune the instruments down. We did, and it’s really paid off. We still sound like The Wildhearts, but there’s a much darker, heavier feel to it. I don’t think there’s a band in the world that tunes down to C and still has harmonies and poppy bits!

So does this show a new musical direction for The Wildhearts? Will you be sticking to the new formula?
CJ: Yes. It’s still us, but it’s cool that we’re discovering new things so late in our career. It’s the twentieth anniversary of the band this year.

What are some of the inspirations behind the songs on the new album?
CJ: It’s everything, really. Ginger [Wildhearts frontman] still writes the majority of the songs, but the things we sing about are the things that happen in our lives. We don’t make things up. The band’s a lot more democratic now, decisions are made as a group, and it’s good because since we band re-formed in 2001, I think this album has had the best reviews in the magazines. It’s bringing on a younger fanbase too; there are a lot of teenagers showing up to see us, and magazines are picking up on the band.

Speaking of which, you recently won the Kerrang! Award for Spirit of Independence. How was that?
CJ: It was great! Kerrang! seem to like us again. It’s about time they gave us something! Ginger and I have been to the awards ceremonies in the past, but it was nice to actually get something for ourselves and get a standing ovation from so many other bands. I had a lot of young acts that I’ve never heard of telling me how much of an inspiration we’ve been to them. Which bands? I’ve no idea what they’re called. The ones with funny fringes.

Didn’t Ginger once smash up a Kerrang! office?
CJ: Oh yeah… that was a while ago. I can’t remember why he did it. We don’t smash things up anymore!

Before the new album, you had a covers album (‘Stop Us If You’ve Heard This One Before, Vol. 1’). Is there a Volume 2 in the making?
CJ: Yeah, but I think we’ll probably do another studio album before that. We’ve left it open, so it’s something we can go back to whenever. We’ve got millions of ideas when it comes to bands to cover. We recorded the first one in about five days, so it’s just a case of if we have the time, we’ll go in and do it. Right now, ‘Chutzpah!’ is still very new and is coming out in a lot of places we’ve never toured before, like Russia and South America, so we wanna go to those places before we make a new record.

It’s well known that Ginger has had many side projects. Are you working on anything else at the moment?
CJ: I’m thinking of doing another solo album, but I don’t want to do it with a band, and I don’t know if I want to make a rock record; I might do something a bit more experimental. I don’t make much money from it, so I’ve got nothing to lose by doing something off-the-wall. I’m thinking of doing it over Christmas – I’ve got a home studio, so it’s just a matter of me getting off my arse.

Did the current recession affect you in making the new album in any way?
CJ: No, not at all. The good thing about Jacob is that he’s very cheap. He gets loads of offers from bands around the world, but he doesn’t want to leave Denmark. He’s a real family man, and he has this really weird work ethic where he starts at 9, finishes at 5 and doesn’t work on a Sunday. It kinda works, because it gives you a window of time to get things done in; once it gets to 5 o’ clock, he’s off! But because he only uses his own studio, he does offer a really good price. I think there’s a good possibility we’ll make the next album with him too, because we really liked working with him.

What’s your opinion of the current music scene?
CJ: I think music is always changing. I don’t really keep up to date with a lot of it at the moment; personally, I’d rather see a good movie or read a good book than listen to a new band. I think that too many people rely on the Internet, because it can dilute the whole music scene; you’ve suddenly got millions of MySpace pages, and it becomes too much. I really think that to be heard, you need to have a big marketing team behind you – it’s not enough to have four decent songs on MySpace, ‘cause there are loads of decent bands on there who no one has ever heard of. Profile pages are tools that can be used, and there’s a lot of hype about them, but they just aren’t enough. I feel sorry for a lot of younger bands, ‘cause there’s too much competition at the moment; when we started, it was easy to get deals just from having good songs. Nowadays you need to have everything else. Most bands kind of look the same to me these days, actually, so it’s nice when you see a bit of originality and not the likes of… what are they called, Metro Station, is it? I looked at them and thought ‘Fuck me, not another band covered in tattoos.’ They look like they’ve gone into a booth and had them sprayed on! (laughs)

The Wildhearts’ new album ‘Chutzpah!’ is out now on Backstage Alliance.

If there’s one way to shake off a hangover (or possibly make it two thousand times worse), it’s the grooves and rumblings of some Finnish melodic death metal. Thankfully (or possibly unfortunately), we have Insomnium’s (3/5) thundering strides pulsating across the fields and through the skulls of the gathered metalheads already regretting last night’s celebratory drinks upon arriving at Bloodstock Open Air 2009. Everyone has just about recovered in time for Sodom (3/5), returning to British soil for the first time in twenty years to air the likes of ‘Napalm In The Morning’ to a fair few rows of pumping fists. Add ‘hundred’ to the end of that ‘fair few’ statement and you have a rough description of Saxon (5/5), who are, simply put, fucking awesome. The piledriving ‘Let Me Feel Your Power’ is delivered with the energy of a band several times younger than they are (Saxon could be the grandfathers of some of today’s metal upstarts) while the seminal ‘747 (Strangers In The Night)’ sees cheerful drunken moshpits erupting from stage left to stage right.

Those seeking a small break from the main stage action, or who don’t like Arch Enemy, are offered the choice of getting drunk as shit in the campsites or seeing rising symphonic metallers Pythia (4/5) on the Sophie Lancaster Stage. A sound suspiciously reminiscent of Nightwish is vindicated by the fact these guys can play, and that frontwoman Emily Ovenden’s haunting voice and stage presence seamlessly swell to fill this half empty (or maybe half full?) marquee where drunken hairy blokes will later be hollering along to Journey and Kansas in a late-night karaoke before the first night of metal madness comes to an end.

The death ‘n’ roll stylings of Entombed (3/5) kick off the next day’s proceedings in a suitably bowel-bothering fashion, before a rather tinny-sounding Candlemass (2/5) pretend to be Rainbow for a while. Speed metal heroes Kreator (4/5) then kick the action up a notch or ten and really get the heads banging through new (‘Hordes Of Chaos’) and old (‘Pleasure To Kill’) offerings alike.

Blind Guardian (5/5) provide the perfect soundtrack to a setting sun. From the moment opener ‘Time Stands Still (At The Iron Hill)’ snakes through the P.A., the audience is captured in a world of sonic majesty, technical grandeur, soulful melodies, and hobbits. Vocalist Hansi Kürsch bellows ‘Nightfall’, shrieks ‘Fly’ and leads the fellowship in an extended, a cappella rendition of the inevitable ‘Valhalla’, remaining nothing less than charming all the while; he’s probably the only man who can pour such emotion into a song called ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and not look like a twat. Truly a highlight of the festival.

It’s a shame that one particular festival attendee does not see it appropriate that headliners Cradle Of Filth (4/5) should play for the duration of their stated set time this evening. After a run through of staples, including ‘Dusk And Her Embrace’ and ‘Nymphetamine’, as well as some new abominations and lovely surprises such as ‘Shat Out Of Hell’ and ‘Under Huntress Moon’, ‘missiles’ are thrown at the band, and injury forces them to retreat back into their coffins to slumber until next time. An unfortunate ending to a spectacular evening, all thanks to one selfish fucking arsehole.

Even working on a day of rest, small technical difficulties, an incompetent soundman and a smaller crowd than they deserve doesn’t stop Girlschool (5/5) from rocking out with their metaphorical (let’s hope) cocks out. Classic metal tunes come by the truckload, delivered with a speed and volume that would put the band’s male counterparts – Motörhead – to shame. Kim McAuliffe pours charisma, wit and attitude like Lemmy does Jack Daniel’s on his cereal, and raises laugh after laugh from the crowd – and they’re not pity ones either. ‘C’mon Let’s Go’, ‘Hit And Run’ and ‘Not For Sale’ get some heads nodding along, and by the time ‘Race With The Devil’ and ‘Emergency’ are aired, there’s air-guitaring, headbanging and dancing all over – both on-stage and off-. Doomy rockers Anathema’s (3/5) sleepy drawl couldn’t be better suited to a lazy Sunday afternoon drinking beer in the sunshine, and their appearance makes a welcome change of pace.

Right, that’s enough slow shit for this weekend – bring on Turisas (4/5). It’s the Finns’ last show of a two-and-a-half year tour, but, far be it from them to get it over with quickly, today’s performance is packed with the anthems and stage antics that have catapulted the Viking warriors into the big league since the release of 2007’s ‘The Varangian Way’. Yes, of course there’s a uniting ‘Battle Metal’. Yes, of course there’s a metal cover of Boney M.’s ‘Rasputin’ with each side of the audience trying to out-do each other in call-and-response throughout. Yes, of course they fire confetti everywhere at the end, only for the streamers to stick to the lighting rig and ruin Satyricon’s (5/5) dark, gothic set-up later in the night. It doesn’t matter though, because Satyricon are on fire tonight. Not literally, of course, although the Flames of Hades do burn in frontman Satyr’s eyes as he works the crowd into a moshing frenzy for ‘Fuel For Hatred’ and gets every fist in the air for ‘Now, Diabolical’. As the chilling refrains of ‘Mother North’ screech into the night air, a sense of wonderment – almost trepidation – spreads over the masses. Following all of this ferocity are the band who wrote ‘The Final Countdown’. What will happen when Joey Tempest and his merry men step out in front of this type of crowd?

The answer is: nothing out of the ordinary. Europe (3/5) fare well tonight, delivering a foolproof set of hard rock songs that get most people clapping along upon request. The problem is, however, that the band are so overlooked (especially by this clientele) that it just doesn’t really work. ‘Rock The Night’ and ‘Start From The Dark’ are powerful songs in the right setting, but in a field of pissed-up extreme metal fans who want crushing riffs, beer and laughs, the only track that gets a response is… well, you know which one it is. Leaving the main stage for the final time of the weekend, one wonders if a much more suitable band should have just laid waste to the last night of a great Bloodstock Festival. Either way, where’s the bar…

The sun is shining down upon the green fields of Donington Park (the arena relocated for the second time in two years) on the first day of bands at this year’s Download Festival, and what better way to start the weekend’s proceedings than with some female-fronted metalcore in the form of In This Moment (3/5)? Frontwoman Maria Brink displays an impressive variety of vocal styles, reminiscent in equal parts of both Walls Of Jericho’s Candace Kucsulain and Within Temptation’s Sharon den Adel. Her incessant crowd-thanking between songs begins to grate eventually, though, but not as much as the drudgery of Staind (1/5) on the main stage. Aaron Lewis’ whining, party-massacring vocals garner some applause but mainly the question ‘why the fuck are Staind on Download’s main stage in 2009?’

Thankfully, such wonderings are pushed to the back of the mind later in the day by the triumphant return of Limp Bizkit (4/5). A sea of raised fists (and a fair few red baseball caps) greet the inspired opening salvo of ‘Break Stuff’, and the ensuing performance sees a good portion of metal fans losing the inhibitions picked up in the last few years and reliving their early teens in mass singalongs to ‘Rollin’’ and ‘My Generation.’ Many of those who refuse to stop pretending to hate Limp Bizkit can be found at the Tuborg stage, where the reunited Voivod (4/5) are blowing up some heads with their classic ‘80s thrash, vocalist Snake twitching and hollering like a possessed, leather-clad preacher. The permed, greasy heads in the crowd are then replaced by backcombed, dyed-black bonces as the thrash switches to glam with the arrival of bubblegum punks Backyard Babies (3/5), whose shiny but largely uninspiring tunes do little to please anyone but the Nikki Sixx lookalikes and glitter-encrusted girls dotted through the crowd.

Soon after, the real Mr. Sixx takes to the second stage with Mötley Crüe (2/5), who dish out the usual glam metal favourites and a couple of new offerings from last year’s ‘Saints Of Los Angeles.’ Sadly, inexplicably long gaps between songs, Vince Neil’s strained vocals and Tommy Lee’s workmanlike stage banter (the same used last time the Crüe played Download) all result in a sloppy, uninteresting performance. Guitarist Mick Mars is capable within the studio-polished refrains of the band’s songs, but admittedly quite unimpressive when left to his own devices (an annoyingly harmonic-filled rendition of Hendrix’s ‘Voodoo Chile’ quickly becoming tedious). The fearsome L.A. four are capable of so much better, and as the ending notes of ‘Home Sweet Home’ ring into the night air, one cannot help but feel slightly cheated.

Several thousand Crüeheads then leave for the alcohol-fuelled fun and games of the campsites, while some linger to see Faith No More’s (3/5) first show in eleven years (apart from the warm-up one they did in Brixton two nights before). For those at the front, it is a chance to crush into and fall over each other through the drilling chords of ‘From Out Of Nowhere’ and shout in unison to ‘We Care A Lot,’ but for (arguably many more) others it is simply a chance to see ‘that band’ play ‘that song’ (1990’s ‘Epic’ – which they do). The masses starting to leave the arena around this time suggest that Faith No More may not be the most dependable headliners for an event like this – perhaps too cult for many – but for those who get it, it’s nothing less than a very promising start to the biggest set of dates in the rock calendar.

A dedicated follower of the Scottish music scene may have heard of Alestorm. A group of small-town university students playing in a band together, winning the respect – and in some cases resentment – of their peers and taking on what the world has to throw at them. You’ve heard it all before, right? Perhaps not, as this particular band’s entire works revolve solely around one thing: pirates.

Since 2004, Alestorm – who originate from the Fife and Perth areas – have been pillaging the underground metal scene with their own brand of ‘True Scottish Pirate Metal’ and songs with such swashbuckling titles as ‘Terror On The High Seas’, ‘Set Sail And Conquer’ and ‘Wenches And Mead’. In 2007 they signed a deal with Napalm Records and released their debut album ‘Captain Morgan’s Revenge’ in 2008, and its favourable reviews saw the band embark on countless tours across the UK, Europe and America, and numerous festivals with some of the biggest names in rock ‘n’ roll. This year’s sophomore effort ‘Black Sails At Midnight’ has kept the winds of fortune in their mast.

Standing on a cold steel fire escape of the Cathouse in Glasgow, the band spilled the beans on their excessive tour schedule and future plans.

Ahoy there, me hearties! How has the tour been for ye so far?
Dani [Evans, guitars]: Excellent! It’s been great, but we’ve been really busy. We’ve had a lot of big shows on this tour, a couple of cracking festivals. We’ve just come back from Hammerfest in Wales, which was packed, then there was Ragnarok Festival. The crowds have been fantastic. It looks like tonight is going to be the same.

How was America?
Gareth [Murdock, bass]: Anyone who’s been to America knows how cool it is. All these people who haven’t been and say ‘America’s shit, it’s full of dicks,’ they’re just liars. America’s cool. End of. I don’t think a bad thing happened to us there. I would move there tomorrow if I could.
Dani: Best place in the world. It’s fucking awesome.

Anything interesting happen on the road?
Chris [Bowes, vocals/keyboards]: In Hollywood, we met a guy dressed as a bear who challenged us to a game of marbles. I won, and then I invited him to come on-stage with us, and he did, and he rocked out. I also discovered that in San Francisco, there is a metric fuck-tonne of sea lions.
Dani: It was interesting.
Chris: There’s this place, Pier 39, it’s a tourist area. You’re in the middle of the city, then you just walk round the corner to the shore, and there’s this mountain of sea lions just chilling out.

Did you try to ride one?
Chris: Erm…

Gareth, you have just joined Alestorm. How does playing and recording with Alestorm compare to playing and recording with your previous band, Waylander?
Gareth: I love being in Alestorm because I like to tour. I loved Waylander, I had many happy years with them, but there weren’t enough shows. I’m happy with my decisions. I do wish Waylander the best, we saw them at Hammerfest and they were fantastic.

Do you think it was anything to do with Alestorm’s success that made you want to leave Waylander for them?
Dani: No, we got him drunk and he said yes.
Gareth: Not particularly. I’ve known these guys for years, since before they were a band, and I love their music. It wasn’t a case of ‘Do you wanna join this band that’s doing really well?’

Not to discredit your band, but how long do you envision the pirate gimmick lasting? Is there a set number of albums or length of time you intend on doing this, or will you continue indefinitely?
Dani: About two and a half more hours.
Gareth: I’d like to think that it’ll never get old, but we’ve got to deal with the fact that it probably will.
Chris: Fuck these guys, I’ll just start a new band that sings about something else.

On your new CD, ‘Black Sails At Midnight‘, there are more serious, epic tones on tracks such as ‘To The End Of Our Days’. Is this a sign of things to come from Alestorm, or do you always plan to keep an element of silliness?
Chris: I only wrote that song ’cause we don’t have any songs where people get the lighters out. But yeah, maybe one in ten songs will be ’serious’, but most of it will be dicking around. Unfortunately, I’m well aware that we’re a complete and utter joke of a band, and unless we do comedic songs, we’re gonna die out.

If you could keelhaul anyone in real life, who would it be, and why?
Chris: Chris Boltendahl from Grave Digger. We went on tour in Germany with his band, and all I can say is, never tour with old people. They’re all like ‘we don’t drink, we’re professional, money, money, money.’ He looks like a beekeeper. I hope all his bees die and he goes bankrupt.
Gareth: My choice would be Chris Boltendahl, the singer from Grave Digger. He’s got a beekeeper’s face, and he called us something that I think means a pack of dicks in German.
Dani: I think I’m gonna have to go with… Chris Boltendahl (laughs). But he really is just the most stuck-up, pretentious twat ever. I hope he dies in an accident involving bees.
Ian [Wilson, drums]: Chris Boltendahl, and Chris Bowes, ‘cause he’s a c**t.

So, it’s evident that you don’t think much of Grave Digger. Did you enjoy the actual tour with them?
Chris: No, it was shit.
Dani: Terrible.
Gareth: That was my first tour with Alestorm. I had a really good time! I loved every second of it. (pauses) I’ll get my coat.
Dani: You’re already wearing it. Just fuck off!
Gareth: (laughs) Really, though, I thought it was crackin’.

Kraken? Isn’t that a mythical seabeast? You could do a song about one.
Dani: We already did one about a leviathan!

A leviathan is different from a kraken!
Chris: Ooh, look at me, I know about mythical seabeasts, ooh!

At this point several members of the band go off in search of more alcohol and the interview comes to an end. There is a distinct air of friendship between the band members; high album sales and critical acclaim aside, they still come across as four young Scots who enjoy nothing more than knocking back a few cans and having some laughs, the latter of which there is an abundance of throughout my time with them. As Dani Evans himself puts it, they are not rockstars, but simply ‘fans with backstage passes.’

Alestorm’s second album ‘Black Sails At Midnight‘ is out now on Napalm.

A piece written for school when I was fifteen years old. It’s my young self’s recollection interspersed with facts about the Big Apple.

Darkness. Just darkness. Where am I? Argh! Now there’s a shrill ringing sound coming from somewhere. Slowly but surely, little by little, my brain starts to function again. The next sense I recover is my sight; I’m in my bed. It’s dark outside. The glowing orange digits of the noisy alarm clock read 0500. Five in the morning!? It’s not time for school yet, is it?

My memory then comes back to me; I’m not going to school. I’m going with the school – to New York City!

New York City is the largest city in the United States, and one of the world’s major global conurbations. Located in the state of New York itself, the city has a population of over 8.2 million within an area of 321 square miles, making it the most densely populated major city in North America. With a population of 18.7 million, the New York Metropolitan Area is one of the largest urban areas in the world. Hope I don’t get lost.

So after just under a year of waiting, I find myself sitting in Glasgow Airport at six o’ clock in the freezing February morning. I’m cold and tired – my body is being kept active on sheer excitement (and before the flight, a rather regrettable Burger King meal). Kitted out in the finest new cowboy boots, I eventually board the plane for the Big Apple. After a nine hour flight, featuring a stop in Reykjavik (which is forgetable, to say the least) we touch down in JFK airport, the biggest international gateway into the United States. Still buzzing, we march out of the plane into Terminal 7, and I set foot on a non-European country for the first time.

And wow.

Being in New York in person is a thousand times different from seeing it on television. Compared to Glasgow, it’s like stepping into another world; the future, even. From the bus to the hotel in Times Square, the gasps and ‘Wow! Look at that!’s don’t stop for a second. Every building glitters, glows, flashes, sparkles, or advertises Coca Cola. There’s neon lights aplenty, and some of them even have a letter flickering – a true authentic touch of big city class. The residential parts of the city have a very distinctive character. Stone and brick became the city’s construction materials of choice after the construction of wood-frame houses was limited in the aftermath of the Great Fire of 1835. Unlike Paris, which for centuries was built from its own limestone bedrock, New York has always drawn its building stone from a far-flung network of quarries and its stone buildings have a variety of textures and hues. The majority of them are at least twice the height of those in Glasgow, which emphasizes how small Britain is in comparison to the States. After a quick trip to McDonald’s (true American culture!), we go back to our hotel and hit the hay, ready for the experience of a life time.

KRRR-CHOOOOOM!

We’re awoken the next morning by a huge thunderstorm. Nothing to be afraid of, but after 9/11, what’s the first thing you think of when you’re eleven storeys up in a New York building, and hear a loud explosion? After we shake off the remaining jetlag and terror-sweat, we meet everyone in the lobby and find out our mission briefing for Day One. We’ll be visiting the UN building, the Guggenheim Museum, and then going to see an ice hockey game between the Toronto Mapleleafs and New York Rangers at Madison Square Gardens. Before we leave, my friend Jo almost jumps through a mirror, mistaking it for a corridor. This starts off my day quite nicely.

A very long march through Manhattan (gasps and camera flashes at all angles) eventually leads us to the United Nations Headquarters, surrounded by the different nations’ flags. The building was constructed in New York City in 1949 and 1950 beside the East River on land purchased by an 8.5 million dollar donation from John D. Rockefeller, Jr. The land remains the territory of the United States. However, the site of the United Nations headquarters has extraterritorial status as embassies do. This affects some law enforcement where UN rules override the laws of New York City, but does not give immunity to crimes that take place there. The architecture of the inside building is staggering, and the fact we’re standing in the room where the most important and powerful people in the world gather adds to the amazement we experience.

After we get our fill of amazement, it’s a trek through upper Manhattan (I really am regretting the boots by this point), and we’re at the Guggenheim museum. It was founded to showcase avant-garde art by early modernists such as Wassily Kandinsky and Piet Mondrian. Don’t worry, I’ve no idea who they are either. It moved to its present location, at the corners of 89th Street and Fifth Avenue (overlooking Central Park), in 1959, when Frank Lloyd Wright’s design for the site was completed. It’s the strangest looking building I’ve ever seen; it’s a large cylindrical tower, and you scale it by following a twisting path around the sides. Exhaustion and bloody feet (as well as a general lack of interest) prevent us from taking it all in, but next we have the ice hockey, which is a definite highlight of the trip.

Thus, next stop on the excitment train is Madison Square Gardens; a large arena used for sporting events and concerts, and also the entity which owns the arena and several of the professional sports franchises which play there. We’re siding with the Rangers tonight, obviously. Our school name is even displayed on the monitors, to tremendous applause. Before the game begins, a certain deputy headmaster returns from the bar claiming they asked him for identification. No one believes him. Despite the the obvious opposition of the two teams, for those in the audience tonight is simply about having a good time – no matter whose side you are on. From my personal experience of attending football games in Scotland, there is always an air of uninspiring rivalry in the stadiums, while during games at smaller venues those in attendance often exchange unpleasantries with fans of the opposing team, occasionally to the point of physical violence. There is a notable difference in atmosphere in Madison Square, as the Americans sitting around us simply share laughs together and cheer for their team, without resorting to pointlessly insulting the Canadian visitors; it makes for a much more pleasant and enjoyable experience. So even if the New York Rangers hadn’t absolutely mauled the Mapleleafs, good times would still have been had by all! We also found it worth noting that Mike Myers was in attendance. Starstruck.

The people we encountered in New York were all exceptionally friendly; people greeted us with a bright ‘Good morning!’ when we came down to breakfast, and many locals smiled and wished us a good day as we walked the streets. Behind the neon and typical sleazy gutter phenomena of New York is a community strongly held together by caring residents from all walks of life. After an event like the September 11th attacks, the brotherhood of New Yorkers were undoubtedly blessed with a much stronger bond than before; getting through such a horrific time together would definitely have linked them all in some way, regardless of any pre-existing rivalries such as those that exist between violent, Sectarian groups of Glasgow and the rest of the UK. Despite the bustling streets and eternal traffic jams, I notice a sense of togetherness and peace in the various neighbourhoods we trek through.

The next day, after one badly-organised train journey in which we risked life and limb running through different carriages (the trains are so big in New York you have to be in a certain carriage to get off at the correct station), we arrive at South Ferry, where we catch the boat to the most famous and easily recognised New York structures; the Statue of Liberty, the big lady herself. Given to the United States by France in 1885, standing at Liberty Island in the mouth of the Hudson River in New York Harbor, it is a welcome to all visitors, immigrants, and returning Americans. It is actually a lot smaller and chubbier than it looks in pictures and on television (it’s also green), but it’s still a breath-taking sight to behold. If you look over to the city from Liberty Island, you see one of the most famous New York skylines; the Empire State Building, the waterfront – and the area where the World Trade Centre once stood. The skyline of New York is one of the most recognizable in the world. The city actually has three separately recognizable skylines: Midtown Manhattan, Lower Manhattan, and Downtown Brooklyn.

On the penultimate night we find ourselves looking out over the city from the top of the Empire State Building, witnessing New York in all of its terrifyingly high glory, and experiencing a true sense of belonging. The elevator back down feels like a crash back to reality, as does the plane landing back in rainy, grey Glasgow with its boring, unanimated buildings. It pales in comparison to our new spiritual home, the Big Apple, which now feels like a universe away. One must wonder how a city simply located across a body of water from Glasgow and even in the same hemisphere manages to have such a different feel to our home. In my opinion, while both cities fully embrace Western culture, it is a simple case of our transatlantic cousins doing nothing by halves, its potentially garish buildings standing as an inspiring symbol of the city’s achievement. Apparently it never sleeps, but after the experience it’s given us, I think we can allow it to catch forty winks.

New Yorker Acey Slade (born Emil Schmidt) certainly lives up to his Sagittarian star sign; he can’t sit still for one minute. Being a past member of a string of bands – Dope, Murderdolls and Trashlight Vision have all at one time counted him in their ranks – he has certainly been round the music industry block a few times. He is currently fronting his own solo project, The Dark Party, which he is touring extensively in the run-up to the release of their debut album. Standing in the cloakroom area of a dingy underground Glasgow club, and speaking in much friendlier tones than his glam-punk rockstar persona would suggest, he took the time to give a little insight into life in such a travelling circus…

Hello Acey. How has the tour been so far?
Acey [Slade, vocals/guitar]: It has been fantabulous.

That’s a good word. What have the crowds been like?
Acey: They’ve been awesome everywhere. London was great, and Dumfries was pretty good too, but tonight killed.

Any memorable people or interesting characters from this tour?
Acey: Dude, with us having the dancers between bands, it has just brought out the most colourful human beings on the planet. We’ve seen everything, including ‘boy-lesque’ dancers – boys doing burlesque dancing, which I didn’t even know existed. Such a wonderful cross-section of humanity on this tour, more than any other tour I’ve ever did. It’s been a freak show, it’s been great.

How do you compare American crowds with British crowds?
Acey: You can’t. United Kingdom crowds are just so much better. Music just seems to be a part of so many people’s lives here, whereas in America, it seems that they can’t be bothered with it a lot of the time. Of course, that’s not true of everyone, but here, music just seems to be a way of life.

You’re actually producing a band from Scotland, Billy Liar. How did that come about, and how is it going?
Acey: I did a show in Edinburgh with my old band, Trashlight Vision, and I always welcome any demos that bands give me. He gave me a demo after the show, and I put it on and I just had a moment; like when A&R guys hear a band and decide to sign them. It’s an acoustic punk project, which attracted me to it. It’s pretty cool, because I’ve been stretching myself out to try different styles lately, and I could never do what Billy Liar does. I’ve also been working with a band back home called His Mighty Robot, who are like Muse meets Placebo meets Deftones. A really heavy, progressive sound, but with melodic vocals. It’s great working with bands like that.

Your new band’s style is notably different from your previous efforts with Murderdolls and Trashlight Vision; you’ve adopted a more electro- and industrial- influenced sound, closer to that of Dope. Is that something you’ve wanted to do – or get back to – for a while, and how has it compared with your former bands?
Acey: Well, most people seem to really enjoy it. I think I’ve always been known for being an open-minded and adventurous person. I would never want to play the same style of music my whole life. Producing other bands helps like that, because I can get involved with acts who play things that I never could – or never would – play. The cool thing with my solo band is that it will change from album to album, no two will be identical. I admire people like Mike Patton [Faith No More frontman, also known for several musical projects of varying styles], or even Tim Armstrong from Rancid, who went on to work with Transplants and Pink. I don’t think that people are as closed-minded as they used to be, you know?

Are the fans on this tour fans of your old bands, or is your new style attracting a different audience?
Acey: I don’t know. I don’t really pay attention to that. I play music to play music. Whether I’m playing to five people or five thousand people, it’s still the same show to me.

Tell us about your new single ‘She Brings Down The Moon’.
Acey: I wrote that song years and years ago, but it hasn’t been right for any of my projects. Now that I’m doing my solo stuff, I thought it was right to bring it out, and I knew that it was a great song. The inspiration for the lyrics was a girl I knew who was just a real pure soul, the sweetest person you could ever meet. She had some bad things happen to her, it was so sad, and I just had this image of the moon coming down and taking pity on her.

How do you find a balance between family life and touring?
Acey: I wanted to make time for family more while I was working on this album – it took about a year and a half. I wanted to back down and spend more time with my family, with my wife and my new niece, but it just didn’t happen. I was never going to quit making music, but I just wanted to find a better balance than the one I had. But, I’m a free spirit, and I can’t be in one place for too long.

It’s definitely a downside to being on tour, as documented in many rock songs. Are you happy on the road at the moment, or would you rather be back home in New York?
Acey: My wife and I are getting divorced, so I don’t have anybody to go home to. There’s my mom, obviously, but I don’t live with her, and she understands. I just miss having someone to go home to, and since I don’t have anyone to miss, I just want to go home! (laughs)

How is the current economic situation affecting life as a musician? Did you have to consider things more carefully while making the album?
Acey: Actually, it was pretty easy since my writing partner is a producer and has his own studio, and we did it all there. It’s interesting, because we’re just trying to figure out how to release it now, and I’ve found that a record company is great for getting money that you don’t have, but also taking money that isn’t theirs. If they’re losing money on another band, I shouldn’t be the one paying for it, so we’ve been self-releasing our stuff and it’s been really nice. It’s been more of a challenge, because we’ve no one to keep track of how many we’ve sold and then we’re like ‘Shit! We’re all out!’ (laughs) There’s been some mistakes along the way, and ones that we didn’t foresee, but it’s been a lot of fun.

What are your plans after the tour?
Acey: We’re playing some shows back in the New York area, and we’ll probably just start to arrange some more business stuff. We have another EP coming out (‘She Brings Down The Moon’) and the album is done. Rather than tour the States, I want to write with my new band, because they’re all just fantastic, brightly-shining human beings. I actually kind’ve want to start writing album number two. Everybody’s second album always kinda sucks, because they don’t take their time doing it, so I want to have it written, maybe play some of the new songs live, and get it out that way.

Do you envision this band being as successful as Trashlight Vision, or is that something you’re indifferent to?
Acey: It’s nice because you get to a point where the finances are and stuff, but given the economy and the career that I’ve had, I don’t care, man. I mean, I want people to get into it and like it, sure, but it’s not on my mind when I’m writing.

Thanks for your time, Acey. There’s just one last question that I think everyone wants to know the answer to… what’s [Acey's former Murderdolls bandmate] Wednesday 13 like in person?
Acey: (laughs) He’s a very scary person! And there’s always the question about the Murderdolls getting back together! The truth is, if I had my way, we’d have got back together years ago, but life is perfect the way that it is just now. It’ll happen when the time is right. I’m always up for it, but whenever Wednesday is free, Joey [Jordison, former Murderdolls guitarist and current Slipknot drummer] has been busy, and vice versa, and I’ve been doing Trashlight Vision too. I’m sure one perfect day it will all come together.

Acey Slade and The Dark Party’s EPs ‘Sex, Murder, Art, Baby!’ and ‘She Brings Down The Moon’ are available now from myspace.com/aceyslademusic.